Ah, the holidays. ‘Tis the season to move into the relationship danger zone. We get so stressed out about buying the right presents, staying within our holiday budget, or trying to please impossible in-laws that the tension inevitably spills over into our love lives.
“It’s naturally a time of high stress and high expectations,” says Carol J. Bruess, PhD, the director of family studies at the University of St. Thomas, in St. Paul, Minn., and coauthor of What Happy Couples Do: Belly Button Fuzz & Bare-Chested Hugs—The Loving Little Rituals of Romance. “Our culture creates images of the perfect gathering, the perfect feast, the perfect happy family gathered around the tree, the perfect couple exchanging perfectly thoughtful gifts.”
The reality, of course, is nowhere near perfect.
However, just as much as planning ahead will enable you to handle all the shopping and cookie-making, it can also help you to troubleshoot any potential relationship drama—and nip it in the bud before you’re tempted to put coal in your guy’s stocking. Thanks to this expert advice, the only romantic issue you’ll have this December is where to hang the mistletoe.
The problem: Having expectations that are too high
The solution: Be honest about what you really need—but don’t ask for the moon
The most common mistake people in relationships make around the holidays? Having expectations that are too high—and not voicing them. “People often think their significant others should be able to read their minds,” says psychiatrist Mark Goulston, MD, the author of Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. But, as he points out, it’s unreasonable to expect your significant other to automatically know what you want, and that will leave you feeling resentful when he doesn’t live up to your unspoken hopes. Preempt a problem by making an effort to be clear about what you’d like him to do for you this December.
But if it’s your partner who tends to get upset because you can’t guess whether there are visions of sugarplums dancing in his head, ask him, “What can I do to make sure this is a special Christmas for you?” Bruess puts it this way: “If you talk with each other in a frank and honest way about what you do expect, you can help each other bring those high expectations down so the experience can be more positive.”
Next page: Two words go a long way
Comments (2)
Holidays are tremendously stressful times, and often husbands and wives view them differently. In order to make things go more smoothly, I’ve found it helpful to refocus myself and my husband on what’s most important before we embark on the holidays. Doing so gives both of us a perspective that carries us through the difficult times.
The best tool I’ve found for refocusing us is Hayden Dane’s brief book “I Have One Question,” available at http://www.haydendane.com. Dane contends that the most important element in a long-term relationship is that you admire in your husband what he admires in himself, and vice versa. Dane provides a sample conversation to have with your husband (or wife) that leads you to these critical admirations. By refocusing on this, you are less apt to be distracted and frustrated by the inevitable difficulties of the holiday season. I would highly recommend reading the short book and having the conversation. It’s made my holidays a whole lot easier, and I am confident it will do the same for you.
I pondered thast same question, why now? For the bills when they begin to roll in on January 1.