Q: My husband wants to have sex with the lights on. I prefer it pitch-black, but I’d like to give his way a try. How can I feel less self-conscious?
A: First, take your husband’s request as a compliment: He clearly finds it a big turn-on to look at you. Men are visual creatures, meaning what they see gets them hot—or not. Given his lights-on preference, your husband isn’t interested in relying on clichéd fantasies to be aroused. He wants you, and that’s a great thing, right?
All that said, you have to feel comfortable—with your partner, your body, and the sexual situation—in order to fully enjoy the experience. And, sure, overhead lighting worthy of an operating room may not scream “sexy” to you (or to most of us, for that matter). The key is compromise: Try low-wattage bulbs in bedside lamps or several candles. If you’re very self-conscious about your body and feel too exposed, wear a sexy camisole top that you can take off after the action heats up. It also helps to focus your attention on your guy in the beginning to get the pressure off yourself; then begin to acknowledge your own desires and responses as you relax. Finally, remember that practice makes perfect: The more often you try it, the more natural it will feel for both of you.
Q: It’s been a long time since my husband and I have had sex. But we’re OK with it. Is that normal?
A: There’s no magic number of times per month or week that a couple “should” have sex. But let’s face it: Making love is an integral part of a healthy relationship. For a relationship to stay healthy for the long haul, both partners need to know each other’s sexual needs and put in the effort to meet those needs; a lack of sexual intimacy could very well lead to trouble down the line.
So, have a frank talk about how much sex each of you really wants in order to remain happy—not just “OK”—in your marriage. Be honest and open. And commit to making sex a priority at least a few times a month, even if that means you both have to schedule it like you do a trip to the gym.
Maintaining a sexual relationship is a two-way street: If one of you fails to initiate sex or appears to be simply going through the motions, it can lead to anger, resentment, and emotional and physical detachment. If this sounds familiar, consider seeing a sex therapist together so you can resolve any issues before they hurt your marriage.
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Comments (15)
each relationship is individual; it is up to you and your partner how often you want to have sex. it should be fun not a chore. try adding some toys, dvd’s, role play or what ever is your style. i like http://www.loversplayland.com .
For 35 years I have had sex about every night and finally have concluded it is the biggest waste,the most costly action,a man,and a women,can engage in at any period of one’s life.All of man’s,and women’s,problems can easily be pin-pointed to the sexual act.That is saying a lot from someone who always thought it was a pleasurable activity;and it appears it really is the opposite,in fact.Took 35 years of sex to see the light.The problem arises:What can take it’s place after 35 years?WEho said life was easy.
If you thought it was pleasureable for 35 years, obviously it WAS pleasureable. Just because you’re not enjoying sex now doesn’t mean that you should regret 35 years of sexual experience. I think you should be happy you had so many enjoyable experiences. I’m 44 and haven’t had sex in 2 years. I miss it terribly.
My comment on food allergies being the cause of mental illness’s stimulation is not the same as my comment on the wrongful use of ETC and food allergies the cure not ETC.
I think it remarkable you post comments.Even though I can view sex as a waste;the first thing I think about when seeing the female body that looks “perfect”is sex.Why did God make most of us like that?Talk about a confused subject.That is exactly why I took the viewpoint that it is a wasted act;even though I,also,take the opposite viewpoint at the first sign of being restimulated.Go figure?
Interesting commments from everyone. I thought I would weigh in as well. Some people need to have sex more than others, while some are ok with its absence. I can attest (from the guy’s point of view), that having sex regularly is needed! But beleive me, guy’s aren’t the only ones that want it. I’m not saying that it has to happen every other day, but I think a few times a month would be good. Perhaps even 2-3 times a month is sufficient as you get older and your lives become more complicated. However, if you’ve gone from having it several times a month to none at all for a long period of time (2 years as someone has pointed out), there is an issue. This can probably lead to uncover a host of problems (one spouse resents the other, this continues to build, in addition to lack of intimacy, finally one spouse fills this void via an extra-marital affair). This is what I experienced and although sex wasn’t the underlying problem that led to one spouse searching elsewhere, the extreme lack of it, was a pretty big clue. So talk to your spouse, pay attention to each other, be open and honest with each other. It’ll never be like it was when you first started dating, but there are other ways to have fun!
My husband wants to have sex every night & or morning.Is this normal? He’s 48.
Oh it is porbably very normal. I have been dating a man for ONLY 5 months, i can count in my hand the times we did not have sex. I bought elinger and toys, and loved every minute of it. He has told me it would not work with us now because i dont fall all over him and i have only worn the lingere a few times. We still had sex but it wasnt enough that we made love it was that I wasnt doing enough. He thinks i dont want it AS MUCH as he does. I get so confused…
Every argument or disagreement we have had always comes back to SEX. Exactly how are women suppossed to be? i really want to know. I truely thought i was doing right by making love to him every night we were together, even if i didnt really feel up to it to begin with it was always awesome. Crap!!!
well i meant lingere, lol
oh my goodness, my eyes are bad, i cant spell very well while balling!! you know what i mean…
I was married for 27 years and my sex life was great. I enjoyed sex whenever, but the last 10 years, we rarely had sex at all. I’m now divorced. I’m 47 and now has a new lover he’s 53 and we have sex at least one a week. And it satisfy both of us. So whenever and how many times doesn’t matter if both partners or satified.
Well, I’m 39& my husband 35. I am the one who craves for sex ALL the time, and he doesn’t! I have back problems, fibro and arthritis, I should be the one NOT wanting it!!?? We go to bed and he puts a body pillow between us, and he won’t let me touch him @ all! Whats wrong with the pix here?? I look good & take good care of my body and appearance, so what does it take?? He’s always in front of that damn TV and seems to me he’s married to it! Every time I try to talk to him about it, he tells me to find someone else if its not enough for me?? We have it all, we have more than everything…can the use of pot actually make him be this way?? I’m deprived, depressed, and dumped! Sorry, thats just how It makes me feel. I know I am NOT the problem, if it were someone else in my shoes, I think they would find something elsewhere, but I abide by my vows…but its a 2 way street right?! Any advice??
Blondie, I think the Pot is adding to the issue, but it certainly isn’t the source. From a man’s point of view (especially one who craves sex often), you sound like our dreamgirl. I have a loving wife and 3 beautiful children, but we barely have sex once a month. This, coming from a guy who could easily have sex twice a day! Frankly, I don’t get it. During the dating phase, we had great sex, all the time. I was very clear that sex was VERY important to me in a relationship and she seemed to be OK with that. I fully expected this to be the norm. Well, now 10 years later, she’s depressed and very self-conscious about her body (I have no idea why, she looks great). She still turns me on at a moment’s notice, but I can’t get close to her. Not even a hug as she claims MY hugging leads to groping which leads to sex. So now, our hugs are pathetic, something you might see two coworkers do after not seeing each other for several months. Then, the one time a month she can no longer take my begging, she finally gives in and I feel as though she’s just going through the motions. It’s very depressing for me as I feel she has no interest in being close to me. I’m like you in that I don’t want to ruin our marriage by seeking sexual encounters elsewhere, but what does one do? She knows how important it is to me. When I try to discuss, the arguments always end up with her saying it’s ALWAYS about me. How can that be true when we’re actually having sex barely once a month? I’ve been patient with her, but for how long do I deal? There’s no chance at therapy as she has no interest in seeking help.
Shouldn’t your partner be the one who you share your most discreet desires and play out your wildest fantasies? Shouldn’t that person be the one you want to explore every possible experience that you dream up? Does that have to end once you’re married? Shouldn’t you continue to grow your sexual relationship with your partner for as long as you’re together? Or am I just a typical guy with an overactive libido who has seen WAY too many pornographic films?
You’ve probably found your answer in your response, and yes its a 2-way street.
Me and my husband have been married for 6yrs but we can’t seem to get on the same page its like a few months I will want a lot of sex and he don’t want it at all then months later its the opposite he wants it and I don’t why do we do that??? I wish we could get together on this!!!!!!!!