Ever wonder if everyone is having lots of perfect sex…except you and your partner? Most of us question how our sex lives stack up. But the reality is, the two of you don’t have to experience Earth-shattering orgasms to have healthy intimacy. In fact, chances are your sex life is in better shape than you think—even with the occasional off-night or dry spell. Here, four top myths you shouldn’t buy into.
Myth #1: You both need to be in the mood
It’s normal for sex to be a little ho-hum for one or both spouses up to 15% of the time. Any number of factors can throw things a bit off-kilter: timing, your mood or his, the amount of foreplay, life stresses, you name it. Rather than postponing until the planets align, have sex when you can—and don’t interpret an off night as a sign of a failing relationship. If your man seems disengaged, just be affectionate and look forward to next time. To keep things exciting, make a point of venturing out of your comfort zone occasionally with new positions, locations, and sexy videos.
However, if one or both of you is never, ever in the mood anymore, consider seeing a therapist or medical doctor to rule out any underlying health problems.
Myth #2: The best sex is spontaneous
It’s a fact of modern life: What we don’t schedule, we don’t do—and sex is no exception. Expecting it to just happen spur-of-the-moment could lead to long dry spells, whereas penciling it in on your calendar is a show of commitment; plus, it gives you both something to anticipate.
I advise my clients to establish a weekly time for intimacy, meaning anything from sex to cuddling. Choose a time you can both commit to easily, without exhaustion or daily responsibilities getting in the way. Devoting that time should take you back to those eagerly anticipated first dates.
Myth #3: You must have sex three times a week
Having sex regularly nourishes a relationship, sure, but don’t get too caught up in the counting. Most happy couples don’t have sex every day or even two or three times a week. What’s important is that you both are satisfied with the frequency. If that’s not the case, start a discussion outside the bedroom by saying something like, “We don’t have sex as often anymore, and it worries me.” And remember: There’s more to a healthy sex life than just sex. Get your RDA of intimacy by cuddling, holding hands, and spontaneously hugging and kissing.
Myth #4: Good sex is long and slow
Few of us can afford the luxury of leisurely sex. (Frankly, most of us secretly think it sounds like more work after an exhausting day.) And holding out for the ideal moment can lead to infrequent or, even worse, vacation-only sex. The solution? Embrace the quickie. Think of it like a sex snack, sure to boost your energy and put you back in the mood. For extra excitement, break out of the bedroom: Five-minute romps are perfect for unusual locations, even if that just means your shower or sofa.
Jennifer Berman, MD, is director of the Berman Women’s Wellness Center and author of For Women Only.
Comments (38)
I think that the myth that both have to be in the mood is not just a myth. If I am not in the mood when he tries, I blow him off. It is selfish but I would ahve to say for me that if I don’t want it (first) he don’t get it.
I think our sex lives are as individual as the relationship itself. No two are the same, if you try to put stipulations on it you are more likely to be over thinking it and putting alot of un-needed stress in your relationship. Figure out what turns your partner on and share what gets you going and meet in the middle. Yes toys and videos are a nice way to spice things up try http://www.loversplayland.com we will give you expert tips if you have any questions use the contact us link. We will be happy to recomend toys for first time users too. http://www.loversplayland.com
I’ve been married for 8 yrs now and we have a 13teen year old daughter, before my husband and I had sex at least twicw a week when our daughter was younger now he say’s now that he’s afraid she will hear us when we are haveing sex and that makes him feel very uncomfortable. He once told me that when he was young he would hear his Mom and Dad. So with that we have not had sex in about 6months. But we love each other very much and we cuddle and kiss from time to time and even touch each other but that’s the furtherest it goes now because of our daughter. He also say’s he wants our daughter to remain focused on education and when she get’s older going to college that he don’t want her to think about having sex he say’s most young kids hear their parents and that’s what gets them on the wrong track. Can you please email me back with a solution or an answer. Thanks
To Jamie, and all the others out there that think they have control of the relationship. Mark my words… show me a man with a selfish woman and I will show you a man that will end up with another woman. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but this man will leave.
For the couple who’s worried about their daughter hearing them, there are many ways that you can get around this, turn up your TV, go in the basement or something. Your daughter has 5 more years before she goes off to college. 5 years is a long time to not have sex because you are afraid that you daughter might hear.
raeshell@
I am not an expert. But here’s what I think.
Sex between you and your husband is not ugly or dirty. It is not something you should cover up and keep away from your daughter by all means.
Your daughter will learn about and want to have sex. That is normal and it would be because she is a normal human being.
I have heard my parents going at it when I was a kid. It did not (IMO) make me go down the wrong path. If anything, I knew that my parents loved each other and expressed it physically.
Don’t miss out on your sex life for the wrong reasons!
Regards,
Manoj
Raeshell,
I would try to find so way to camouflage your lovemaking as not to scare/traumatize the child, but I definetely wouldn’t stop having sex. Sex is natural and healthy for a relationship and our children need to see that but not necessarily in that way. Find a way to ease your husbands fears or trouble is soon to follow.
God bless
As a sexuality and relationships educator at Sensovi, one of the main themes we stress to couples is that they need to connect emotionally and spiritually as well as physically. True intimacy relies on all three.
If you’re having trouble with intimacy, we do offer a free Partner and Intimacy Evaluation that couples take online. It looks at six key areas of your relationship and shows where you align and where there’s a discrepancy.
http://www.sensovi.com
In regards to raeshell, from my studies, I have not run across any evidence that it damages kids to hear or even walk in on their parents during sex. Keep in mind that until recent history, families all slept in one-room houses in one big bed. It wasn’t until the Bubonic Plague in Europe that it became customary to have separate sleeping quarters.
I say when you don’t get any from your spouse (husband or wife), you just seek thrills somewhere else. I’ve tried to please and satisfy my spouse and she cheated on me for her thrills after 10 years. Why should I? From here on out I’m all about me. Good luck on those marriage sex (old and tired).
When two people love each other unconditionaly, they accept themselves and their partner as they are and one partner doesn’t feel there is any need for the other person to change.
Through open and honest discussion between the partners in the relationship, each person will learn more about the other person.
In a healthy relationship, one partner will be able to recognize that if a change is needed, the change will be made by the person who recognizes that a change is needed to make the relationship flourish.
A relationship needs to be nurished and tended to. Expectations need to be communicated. Wants and needs need to be expressed. Likes and dislikes need to be discussed.
Time alone together and without the presence of anyone else is important to keep the fires burning in the relationship. The frequency of sex needs to be discussed at a time that is not the time when either partner is thinking about having sex, but rather at a time when there is time for both partners to sit down without interruption and openly and honestly discuss their needs and desires regarding sex and work together to find a common ground that will meet the needs of both partners.
The frequency of sex is different for each partner in the relationship, and through open discussion a flexable time for sex can be achieved. Demanding sex at a particular time or day of the week will not work for the benefit of both partners, wheras, a flexible time for sex can be achieved. It will take the cooperation and willingness of each partner to reach a place in their relationship for this arrangement to work, but just working together toward the same goal regarding sex is helpful for a more loving and intimate relationship.
A full and complete commitment to maintining the relationship needs to be the most important goal of both partners in the relationship. In other words, the partners in the relationship be honest and truthful to themselves and to their partner.
When there is a problem in the relationship, both partners need to be willing to discuss the problem with each other and to seek counseling if they are having trouble figuring out what each needs to do to get the relationship back on track.
When one partner thinks that counseling may be needed and the other partner doesn’t, the partner who thinks that counseling may be needed should get the counseling for him or her self and not try to convince the other partner to get the counseling, but rather, ask the other partner to join in the couseling, and accept the fact if the other partner declines to join. Most of the time it is the person who thinks that counseling might be needed is, in fact, the person who needs the counseling. The counseling will help that person change him or her self, and most often that will be all that is needed to get the relationship back on track. Sometimes the person who receives the counseling will learn something about themselves and what they want in a relationship and find that he or she did not love the other partner. In this case the partner receiving the counseling may determine that he or she needs to terminate the relationship because it isn’t working, isn’t going to work because the other partner doesn’t think there is a problem with the relationship, and it is distructive to the relationship for the relationship to continue.
More than 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce, and the number of failed relationships is higher for unmarried people because there are more unmarried people than married people in relationships.
I learned this about twenty years ago when my marriage went on the rocks, and I learned after my wife filed for divorce and I seeked counseling that I was the person who “loved too much”, and closed my eyes to changing myself because I had low self esteem, my wife had a drinking problem and didn’t seek help for myself until after the marriage was over, and I was an adult child of an alcoholic mother who did’t realize that my actions and thinking I was affected by my relationship with my mother involving her alcoholism. It was I who needed to change. I seeked the help for myself and the consequence of doing so is that I have been in a continuous loving relationship with my wife of 4 years, after living unmarried with her for 17 years before we got married. I can honestly tell you that marriage brought us closer, and I have an open and loving relationship with my wife that will flourish as time passes and we grow old toghether. This is the loving relationship that I have always wanted tried to achieve in my first marriage, but didn’t know how to go about nurturing the relationship because I was self centered, disfunctional due to my being an adult child of an alcoholic, and ignorant as to what is needed to maintain a healthy and loving marriage.
It is important for each person in the relationship to be open to change because change happens all the time, and in order for the relationship to work there has to be give and receive.
Give love and receive love. Give a compliment, receive a compliment. Give in to the other partner even when you know you are right. When both partners think of the relationship as a two way street, there is a better chance for the relationship to work.
The best advise is to be true to yourself and be willing to nurture the relationship all the time.
The world will be a better place if more people were willing to nurture their relationships with not only their partner, but with all those with whom they come in contact. The words “Make Love Not War” ring true, as when it comes right down to what most people want is a world without wars and conflicts and a loving relationship with another person. Unfortunately in societies where there is the opportunity to profit from war, there will be wars, and society will suffer because war tends to take some of the best people who could have changed society for the better and made them bitter about society and incapable of loving another human being unconditionally.
Good luck to all who read this. I hope this will help someone who needs guidence in how to maitain a loving and committed relationship.
my boyfriend and i have been dating for 3 years. In the beginning we had sex all the time. He couldnt get enough, but not anymore. We have sex maybe once every other week, and its always when hes in the mood. I am def. worried about it. I dont think it is fair at all for me to always be there when hes ready but when im ready he usually pushes me away or does other things that give me a hint that he not in the mood. I can completely understand how someone might not be in the mood. But even when im not in the mood i still have sex with him when he wants. i try to substitute sex with cuddling or kissing. but when i ask him to cuddle he doesnt seem happy about it, and when i try to kiss(not just a hello peck of a kiss, i mean make out) he pushes me away and tells me to stop. we’ve tried the whole okay just do it this many times a week but it doesnt work! I’ve heard of couples who have been together for many years and have kids and are older having this problem. We have been together for 3 years and we are in ours 20s with no kids.i want to take advantage of this time but i am just afraid he is getting sick of me. What should i do?
A man not wanting sex because your child might hear something???
Sounds like a lot of excuses to me.
To Angela.
You are in your 20’s with no kids and in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and there is no desire?
There isn’t a decision to make here.
If it is not working for you now it certainly isn’t going to get any better once you have kids, mortgage etc etc.
Move on and find someone compatible rather than trying to waste your youth on a bad deal. Don’t make idle threats like “if you don’t come around I’ll leave”. It isn’t working it isn’t meant to be. Move on and find someone who it will work with and that you deserve to have as your partner.
I hope you find what you want.
Really? They’re all myths. Find someone that turns you on every time you think of them, makes you want to jump in the bushes, doesn’t accept a day without it and can last long enough to fulfill your needs.
Jamie, I think you’re a little naive. Men and women both will tend to get what they seek, and usually its affection rather than sex. But for men, we sense affection through sex. It’s true generally of course, not always. That said, most of my friends’ mothers would describe me as someone they’d like to be with their daughter. I generally put a woman on a pedestal, treat her like she’s a queen, was raised in a good family, and am generally a likable guy. All that said, I cheated on a girlfriend of 4 years not once but twice, and almost a third. Both times it felt good to be appreciated instead of less important than: work, headache, tired, etc.
Fortunately for me and my wife, we both are very aware of my needs and hers, at multiple levels. I hope for your sake you learn to recognize that when they say a good relationship takes “work,” this is part of what they mean.
My personal opinion is that there are very few couples that end their relationships because they’re not having sex, but most that end relationships aren’t having sex. So, it’s more the symptom than the cause. If I don’t give my partner the attention she deserves or make her feel special –> we have less sex, and vice versa. The problem isn’t the sex, it’s the intimacy and connection.
If I’m not in the mood… get me in the mood. If he isn’t in the mood, I’m going to do what it takes to get him there. Usually works.
My husband and I have a thirteen-year-old and a ten-year-old daughter and we know they hear us and it doesn’t matter. I heard my parents and it certainly didn’t set me on the wrong path. If Raeshell’s husband is so concerned about their daughter hearing, get her some ear plugs.
SEX… why is it so comlpicated? we made it so… just enjoy life and let it flow… it is not rocket science to have sex… sex is sex … it’s that simple…
I honestly wonder who feels they are able to say “this is a myth”, or “this isn’t a myth”. Its sex, not math. There is no one right answer that everyone should go by.
Outside of this article, what do most people call it when a man has sex with a woman that does not want to?
The bottom line is communication between you and your partner. I do not understand why people listen to random doctors and authors talk about sex when they have no idea what you need or want in your own relationship.
Do not let people dictate what you “should” do. The only person that should dictate that is your partner.
To Jamie.
Taking such a strong position like, “If I’m not in the mood, he is not getting it,” does nothing but discourages your man. It eventually installs the feeling that when he wants to be affectionate with you, he cannot count on a mutual responce. Think of how you would feel in a reverse situation – if your man blows you away when you have a desire to be with him. You just hurt needlessly him and eventually both of you. You deny him reassurance of being desirable. And that’s on top of the pressure that most men already have of being stigmatized as “sex is all they are interested.”
And as far as the mood goes, once you tune in, it will come. “Apetite comes during the meal.”
I think these myths are great!! So many people get wrapped up in numbers that they forget the other stuff. LOng ago, my husband I talked about this… If we had to pick either cuddling or sex for the only thing for the rest of our lives we both said cuddling!! It is so intimate and safe. When you have that, the sex just comes naturally…
And to Jamie, honey you need to ease up. You are setting your self up for heart ache if you don’t let go and be less selfish. Guys can be really fast when they aren’t trying to please you and you will really be pleasing him and it will strengthen you relationship.. I’m not saying you have to say yes every time, but some times you have to.
Raeshell,
Kids will want to have sex. Not because their parents are… My husband and I are very affectionate in front of our kids and they are secure in the knowledge that we love eachother and are fully committed to one another. I know they have heard us before and have said it made them feel weird if it was too too loud, so we just tone it down. Wait till they spend the night away from home for the really exciting stuff, and the regular sex we wait till after they are in bed and asleep.
I don’t want to plant bad ideas, but usually men who say things like this are getting sex elsewhere. I can’t imagine a married man out of the blue deciding to not have sex for 5 1/2 years
Angela,
OMG girl!! He is already not caring about your needs or emotional well being. To me, that says he doesn’t really love you. If he did, he would care about the fact that his actions (or lack there of) are upsetting you. Not married and no kids spells move on while you can! Its a hard decision to make though.. Belive me, I had to make a similar choice 11 years ago. I met my husband 10 years ago and I’m sooo glad I was available when I met him!! He is amazing!!! The most UN-SELFISH lover I have ever known!! Earth-shattering!!
I agree with Tiffanie, Angela. The bottom line is you need consensus between the two of you on how much sex and how often. Without agreement, emotions flare! (Believe me I have been there… sexual disagreement can be very stressful to talk about let alone resolve.) For Troy it works because after all is said and done, there is an agreement… of sorts!
I am over 70. I am having long sexual endeavors with someone I love intensely. Maybe 30-40 minutes constantly and yet, although it feel wonderful, I am not having an orgasm. Although I know I can have one. Any suggestions?
I’ve gotten tired of persuing my wife. We both work and have a 3 year old son. I do most of the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the pets, etc. We’re now getting close to monthly sex – sometimes longer. I’m to the point that I don’t care to even try any more. I’ve started sleeping in the guest room and am considering finding someone else to fulfill my needs. It’s like the old saying – If it’s important to you, you find the time. My wife only has time to sit down on the couch and watch 20 hours of Tivo’ed women’s shows every week – I guess that’s what is important to her. I’m done.
Larry,
You married this woman for a reason. Something in you once felt that she was the only woman you ever needed. If things aren’t working out, make her talk to you about it. Get a dialogue going and if she refuses to change then leave her. There’s no reason to stay in an unhappy marriage, and there’s no need to cheat. You can get some ass in a legitimate way if you guys can’t work things out.
It’s sad to me that two people who were once enamored with one another can suddenly be like strangers. I’m not preaching, I’m just expressing confusion as this same thing happened to me very recently after a long relationship.
Larry: sounds like shes lost interest not just in sex but in everything else also…..perhaps shes suffering from depression or intense boredom….what before would have been referred to as being “stuck in a rut”?
try and get her motivated and active again, not in the bedroom, but with life.
such an inactive lifestyle saps your love of everything, drains you of energy and makes you fell like “whats the point” in doing anything.
So stop just thinging about if shes going to “put out” or not, shes your wife, and it sounds like she needs some help dude…strap on a pair and look after the one you swore to be with, “through sickness and health, for richer and poorer”, ring any bells?
on a more selfish note, getting her up off her backside and out again…college course, sport, gym, will boost her “feel good” chemicals in her brain, such as dopamine, reminding her good life can been, esp physical exercise, *including* sex….
see?
I’m serious about almost everything in life and not having one particular thing at a time, dosn’t bother me. but when it comes to sex, it’s like going hunger strike if i stay without it for three days. I’m still single but have sex four times minimum in a week. I’m in my early 30s. I would to know, can this affect my health later in the future?
I don’t know if J is a man or woman but that says it all.
I have to admit i love sex and often take trips to the Caribbean to an European sex vacation resort called charlisangels. I take that trip every 4-5 months I’m in my late 40’s how will that effect my health in the future?
Thank you.
my fiancee and i have sex every day. alot of the time him and i do it 2,3,sometimes 4 or more a day we have been together for a year now.and it is always great for me and him is this healthy. and also him and i would like to have a baby together any suggestions
I am about to marry for the first time to a woman with 2 young children. When we have sex together it has been pretty decent, but I’m definitely noticing less and less over the last three months and we are getting married next month. More importantly, I’ve talked with her about lack of intimacy and the fact that she never initiates sexual acts. I’m the initiator and have to get a non verbal read from her if it’s ok to proceed. I usually get the green light about once every two weeks. I’ve had feelings of frustration to the point of where I’m skeptical about getting married because of the lack of physical connection. That makes me feel like crap to say but, there’s got to be the physical connection there, right?
To those who got sick of waiting, my wife shut down on me intimately (infrequent sex, little kissing or hugging). After several years of trying to help her through it and figure out ways to increase the intimacy without pressuring her, I just said “screw it”, and started looking around elsewhere. After a couple more years of looking, I found myself in a warm and fulfilling affair with a woman I had been friends with for many years previously. This lasted about a year, and during that time, I gave my wife an ultimatum that I had not been happy for years, and that it would affect our relationship going forward. She went on antidepressants and it has helped her to lift out of her depression. My affair has trailed off and I am trying to re-establish my relationship with my wife (she still doesn’t know about the affair, nor will she ever). Not to say an affair is always the way to go, but in this case, it was the best thing to do. And I remain great friends with my former lover.
i think that sex is what you make it… don’t be uptight about it relax enjoy. add in things like toys, dvd’s, or lingerie. figure out what works for you and your partner. no discussion about sex should be too tabu for you and your partner. visit http://www.loversplayland.com
sex is good
my wife and had been friends for many years before we got married and when we did shehad two kids and Ihad two kids and they were all young at the time.After we got married I talked her into having one more and out popped three.Since then our sex life has never been able to get back on track.She says that it is for various reasons however we had these same reason before thier not new to us and they never got in the way before if anything they played a part in what made things exciting.Now due to health reasons I have been on testosterone regeament for a few months and it make my sex drive seem as if I am 20 again.To the point of without getting sex I can not sleep and it is all I think about.Other methods besides sex can curb thing for a few hours but thats all and then things come back even stronger.I am not talking about ever day even I could be comfortable with three times a week.Her primary reason for no sex is pain but she seems to be able to do everthing else ok.Even when we do have sex anymore it is always between 1-4 am.On top of all other stress in our lives I can’t take much more