Dating someone new means learning about each other’s quirky behaviors, emotional baggage, and the past experiences that have shaped both of your lives. But what if this involves a health or medical secret you’re hesitant to talk about?
Jill*, a 33-year-old from New York City, knows that finding Mr. Right also means telling him that she has bipolar disorder. Though she takes medication to manage her condition, she still lives with residual symptoms: She has trouble sleeping for more than two hours at a time, and can’t shake her cigarette habit—traits that she feels a date might question.
“It’s the smoking and lack of sleeping; it’s hard to share your life with someone when you need to explain further why you do these things,” she says.
Jill* knows that she’ll eventually have to confess her situation to a long-term partner. “It’s something that will affect me if and when I settle down and have children, since I would not be able to take these medicines [while pregnant],” she explains. “It’s never an easy thing to come clean with.”
Not every relationship hides a secret like this one, but plenty of people face similar decisions about how much they should tell a new companion. Some confidential information can’t stay that way forever—if you take daily medication or if you have a condition with visible symptoms, for example. Other events in your medical history, such as addictions, mental illness, past surgeries, and health scares, can easily remain a secret—but should they?
If you’re considering telling your partner about a health secret, here are eight tips to help you spill the beans.
1. Practice what to say
Before you drop a bomb on a potential mate, rehearse your speech with a trusted friend or visit a therapist to talk it through, suggests Ken Robbins, MD, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin–Madison.
“It’s good to have somebody as a sounding board in a situation like this,” he says. “How you handle this is not something your partner is likely to forget.”
Laurie Davis, an online dating expert based in New York and Boston, suggests asking a friend what sounds most intimidating about your condition and getting his or her advice on how to smooth it over. Getting a second opinion can help you decide how much to say (and when and where to say it), and running through your script a few times can make you more comfortable sharing your story.
“You don’t want to overwhelm your partner but you want to be sure to give him or her all of the important facts,” Davis says. “You should definitely practice before you tell your match, or you’ll most likely fumble through the conversation uncomfortably.”
Mark Snyder, a 32-year-old writer from New York City, used to dread telling a new boyfriend that he was a recovering alcoholic. “I don’t think I was ever able to shake off the feeling I was springing the information on him, usually when we were either out to dinner and he wanted to order a bottle of wine, or at a party where alcohol was introduced,” he says. “I often blurted out, ‘Oh, I don’t drink. Sorry.’”
That changed, however, as he got used to talking about his condition. “As time went on, and I got more comfortable with this side of my life, so did the ease with which I told a man not to expect a tequila-scented smooch at the end of the night,” he says. “I realize my blurting-it-out style was my own insecurities about sobriety. I celebrate it now.”
Next page: Never tell on a first date
* Some names have been changed for privacy.
Comments (8)
Thanks, this is an issue I’ve struggled with. I have herpes, and it’s not always easy to tell people, especially people I might be intimate with – I waited until I was in bed with a girl to tell her, and it was no surprise when I never saw her again. The social stigma surrounding STDs is especially tough to deal with… this gives me a good template to work from when telling a potential partner.
I was in a motercycle accident and almost lost my L leg.an experimental surgery saved it but left a terrible scar.I have dated several men and when things get intimate,I feel so self concious that I cool off the relationship.What can I do to get my nerve to tell the guy I am with now.I am tierd of the excuses.
I for one think that you should tell someone first, so they can be prepared. But in this situation, you probably could find a good way to segue into it, like that you used to ride motorcycles, “yeah, I got into a bad accident once….” and tell the story. I don’t think anyone would be scared off, unless they were super shallow (you don’t want to date anyone like that anyways!) I would have allot of admiration for your bravery, and it certainly wouldn’t be an issue in bed.
Marti Trgovich opened with “. . . , and the past experiences that have shaped both of your lives.” Aren’t all experiences “past”? Does Ms Trgovich favor “real butter” or ” butter,” “real sugar” or “sugar,” and “live studio audience” or “studio audience”? It would be so nice to read and hear prose that isn’t larded with redundancies, superfluities, and buzzword blather. Instead, we’re lumbered with mediocre writers treating uninteresting topics for the benefit of ignorant, bored readers and listeners.
I am a man with bi polar disorder and i understand how hard it is to find someone out that can understand where i am coming form half the time and how i feel day to day that can accept it and can actually deal with what i feel. This is a very good topic and I can relate to most of these other people and how they feel you never know when telling someone about what illness you have what they will think, or say, or even if they will be willing to accept it this is the hardest part. http://www.rainbowofluv.com
I’ve been in many relationship which my men were having such hard time to tell their secrets. If you are a man, don’t be scare to tell us, we could work things out
hi
My advice upon telling spouses of illnesses is yes knowledge is nececety. The more we tell each other the closer we become. My hubby didnt understand at first but after he took the time to listen and read the knowledge i layed out forhim he qickly got the jify of it.it isnt to say we dont go back and look at that book of reference every now and again because we do we want to stay together foreevr so our commitment is also to the illness not just the relationahip.
thank u
my web site is
http://www.bipolar4lifesupport.net
I had breast cancer in 2008 and now in 2009 I haven’t had a date in over two years and I’m going crazy.I told one man that I had been emailing for over a year, and after I told him he no longer emailed me.I don’t know how to tell a man ,I might date, how to deal with what I have told them in a caring way but so far that has aluted me!