The moment a doctor says “We have bad news” is life changing. For me, time stopped. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t breathe. Luckily I was with my boyfriend, because I would have passed out otherwise.
But then I thought: I am a strong woman. I have resources to get good treatment, so why not me? Perhaps, better me than some single mother of three kids who is working three jobs. I know I can handle this.
It was very important for me to keep my diagnosis under the radar, even from the cast and crew of The Sopranos, because well-meaning people would have driven me crazy asking, “How are you feeling?” I would have wanted to say, “I’m scared, I don’t feel so good, and my hair is falling out!”
My good friend, Ilene Landress, the show’s producer, kept things quiet by working my schedule around my treatments. With the cancer a secret, I bucked up, put on my Carmela fingernails, and was ready to work.
I take very good care of myself (mostly because I didn’t many years ago), and that served me well during chemo. Running every day made me feel calm and strong, even as my self-image suffered from my hair falling out. I’d wear all kinds of crazy little hats with hair attachments. I’d even wear them to bed so I wouldn’t be frightened if I walked by a mirror before I was really awake. I gained weight, too, from eating fatty food, the only stuff I could tolerate on the days I was really nauseated.
Next page: Why remission was depressing
Comments (5)
Fighting breast cancer is so important, and funding for more cancer research is vitalf for this. http://cancerfriends.net/breast-cancer/
You hit the nail right on the head. While you are undergoing weeks worth of surgery, chemo and radiation you feel empowered….”I am fighting”. If you are like me and you don’t qualify for any of the follow up therapies such as tamoxifen, etc. Once your initial treatments end it’s scary!! You go from fighting to waiting. Waiting for your next follow-up appointment with your oncologist. Waiting for this strange pain in your side to go away (and debating with yourself as to what point you need to call the dr. to have it investigated – not wanting to be panicky, but wanting to be proactive on your own behalf). You watch friends lose their fight with the disease, and you grieve. You grieve for them and you grieve for yourself….the healthy self you took for granted for so long before cancer became part of your daily life. You play a waiting game. Counting down to the 5 year mark when you can say you are technically “cured” in hopes that that day will make you feel free-er somehow. And me, I pray, alot. I pray that I’m truly cured, that I will get to see my kids grow up and start their own families, that I will get to enjoy my grandkids. I pray because I’m thankful for the care I received and the family and friends who held my hand, hugged me, listened to me cry when I needed to and laughed with me so that I didn’t cry sometimes.
And you reach out….to those who are where you’ve been, so that you can help them through…to those who are transitioning into the next life…and to those who are long time survivors who are where you want so desperately to be.
Thanks for the very inspirational and open look at your path to sobriety and health.
I’m 66 years old, five years into 12 Steps (AA)sobriety (late bloomer) and was diagnosed with male (unusual) breast cancer two months ago. I’ve now had my breast removed and have started chemo (followed by radiation). Real scary stuff!
It really takes one of us to understand your quote, “I was so lucky that two of the biggest things in my life – my sobriety and my breast cancer – happened in the ORDER they happened”.
Boy, is that a powerful attractions!
One Day At A Time!
Thanks for the sharing and good luck to you.
Mike Rathbone
Edie for President! Wow what an inspiration!
Would you please be willing to consider coming to Naples FL Friday 8/7/09 for my 60th birthday party to speak & share your miracle? I could pay the airfare. I am having a fundraiser for someone else in recovery who looks so much like you with lots of time, Suzanne Perry, and a son Keith about 19. Single Mom too. I know a lot of people would come to hear you. Naples is terrific the people are great, the town is BEAUTIFUL! (fly to Ft Myers)
I’m Elizabeth’s Mom! Hope you’ll come to Naples in August 2009! We’ve been here since 1982.